I found a great post and discussion on crying in the scientific workplace at A Natural Scientist via another fine blog, Am I a woman scientist? Jenny F. Scientist describes the double bind of being socialized as a girl that it’s all right to cry, but that in the science lab, don’t even think about it.
Not that crying is something that anyone plans on doing. And actually, with the exception of Rosie Grier singing “It’s All Right to Cry” on Free to Be… You and Me, I got the message growing up that crying is most definitely a huge no-no. And I knew that because I cried easily. I was the kid of whom teachers would say, “She’s very sensitive.” I didn’t really understand the phrase at the time, but I figured it wasn’t good, because I was the weirdo and the kids who called me “crybaby” were the norm.
And it is those kids who grow up to define the unofficial rules of the workplace, too. The book The Highly Sensitive Person points out that though having highly attuned senses is actually a good thing, it’s not a trait that our culture by and large recognizes or rewards. And it can be a pretty cruel and insensitive world out there, especially when you’ve been told that you are free to be you and can grow up to do anything you want, but when you are grown up you discover that actually it’s not as simple as all that.
As Jenny F. Scientist writes:
My mentor is a woman in her forties who has left academia; I am in love with her, she is wonderful, and I wish I’d met her years ago. Be advised, o women scientists: go ye forth and find women mentors, for verily, thy quality of life shall improve.
It was such a pleasure to connect with someone who has experience!! and useful advice!!! So we were talking about the need to be tough and on guard all the time, and I said, ‘It’s just been really hard…’ and burst dramatically into tears.
Of course she was wonderful about it.
But here’s the thing: I could not under any circumstances cry in front of my advisor, or any of the male professors; they would never take me seriously again. This is true of some of the female professors, but on the whole, I would expect it to be less career-destroying.
Nobody wants to cry in the workplace; we all know the rules. But regardless of popular notions of science being this entirely rational and emotionless endeavor, that simply isn’t true. In graduate school you have young high-achievers thrown into a situation where success is far from guaranteed—major research discoveries are so celebrated because they are so rare. The rules for success that worked for problem sets don’t necessarily work in graduate school, where not every problem has a guaranteed solution. There are personalities to deal with, because many scientists avoided the normal types of socialization. In short, it can be very stressful. And at some point you’re sure to run into a situation that will make you want to cry.
I definitely tried not to cry in front of my advisor, but it did happen. And I think it was only fair that my advisor should see the impact that the debacle of my first project had on me (though now I think I see that failure as a blessing in disguise, precisely because it did ultimately lead to my leaving physics).
And then there was the time when I cried in front of my advisor’s postdoctoral advisor, who was female, when I visited her lab. This was right after my project imploded, and I’d also just won a fellowship, and the cognitive dissonance of being congratulated just as I felt like this huge failure was too much. But I didn’t expect any sympathy from her, because she was of course close to my advisor, and how could I complain to her about her star postdoc? Cry and you cry alone, indeed.
Hey, I stumbled across your blog using StumbleUpon and I had to read it. I’ve always been known as the supersmart geek girl to my friends basically everyone who reads me. As I said, I just had to this and, congratulations, this is actually a very excellent blog you’re running here. That’s a high compliment coming from me: I hate most blogs because they just come off as totally self-absorbed.
Anyhow, I can totally relate to this post even though I don’t work in the fields of science or engineering, but I work in another overwhelmingly male-dominated occupation: I’m in the military. I love my work, but, due to our stressful deployment, all the subsequent pressure it places on my family, and what is expected of us in order to be considered for advancement, I often find myself holding back tears while speaking to my colleagues at work. Since the majority colleagues are male and it’s considered terrible “military bearing” to display strong emotions in the line of duty, I know that I shouldn’t cry, but I just can’t help it sometimes. As a result, I’ve gotten a reputation among my coworkers as emotionally unstable and touchy. It doesn’t matter that I’m considered a subject-matter expert in my field as long as I’ve got that reputation. Men are afraid to come to me for help. I consider myself a HSP (highly sensitive person) and I’d never really viewed my emotional sensitivity as a “bad” thing- that is, until I joined the military. Suddenly, it became this huge taboo and I must say I think it’s unjustified. I think it’s one of the best examples of gender stereotyping of which I can think. And, honestly, I think it’s time for the taboo to die. Everybody has emotions and, sometimes, they break through on the job. Big deal! I mean, the average American spends a good chunk of their time at work. It’s bound to happen to most people- male or female- sooner or later. However, except for rare cases of mental illness, it doesn’t impact the person’s ability to operate on the job. It’s about time we started doing some revision of our unofficial workplace rules in our culture.
Whew. I know I’ve written a lot here, but I just want to let you know I feel you. This is a topic that really strikes close to home for me. Thanks for writing about it. Keep up the awesome blogging.
I remember one story of a young, female assistant district attorney who was dreading her first summation. She was sitting at her desk crying. Her boss, a seasoned prosecutor who had seen worse, told her flat out, “Stop that crying. Go to the bathroom and throw up like a man.” There is more than one way to somaticize.
Is it OK to cry on the job? Hey, it worked for Geraldo Rivera.
Fran Lebowitz used to write about the mutant elite. Their mantra was, so sue me. She wrote about the difference between the sensitive artist types and the insensitive go for it mutants of the 1980s. (As Ryker, on Star Trek: The Next Generation, put it, whatever you beamed up 20 years ago, that wasn’t me). Interestingly, she didn’t see the line divided by sex, but rather by a certain level of operational arrogance.