Casting my bread upon the water…
…’cause I hope it will come back buttered! I seem to remember Ma Ingalls saying this in the Little House on the Prairie books (yes, I read the whole series during my pre-geek years).
So, I have a couple of questions to ask on behalf of a close friend from graduate school, a female scientist (and therefore that’s why it’s relevant to this blog), who lives in the heart of Silicon Valley. She has an 8-month-old daughter, and now that she’s beginning to emerge from a serious bout of postpartum depression, she is now facing some other issues.
- My friend feels like she doesn’t fit in with the other mothers who (it sounds like) are buying into the whole “If I don’t make every split second a learning moment my kid is going to wind up on the street” hyperparenting mindset. It’s making her nervous and anxious, and it is totally not what she needs right now. Does anyone know of a group of parents in Silicon Valley who are more chilled out?
- And does anyone know how to tell a Taiwanese mother (my friend is Taiwanese-American) that although her advice is appreciated, one has decided upon a different course of action and therefore no further discussion is necessary? (I’ve already suggested saying things like, “Hey, so are you gonna root for the Bears or the Colts in the Super Bowl?” but my friend doesn’t think that will work, since her mom doesn’t follow football, or most mainstream American culture, for that matter.) Apparently my friend’s mother’s response to my friend disagreeing with her is to repeat the original unsolicited advice again. How do we control-C this?
If anyone has any suggestions, my friend will surely appreciate them! Thank you!
February 1st, 2007 at 7:37 am
As a mom of a preschooler, I have a hard enough time with #1 myself. So I kind of hesitate to give advice on that.
#2, on the other hand…Your friend could do what I’ve always done with my mom and mother-in-law. Just keep repeating, “Okay, Mom, that sounds great! Thanks!” and do whatever you would have done to begin with. It may or may not work for *her* mom, but it’s always worked for mine. We “solved” the problem of my MiL by moving 2000 miles away…
February 1st, 2007 at 7:46 am
Thanks! Yeah, my friend’s mother is in town right now, helping out since my friend is still emerging from PPD. So it’s hard for my friend to avoid the very insistent nagging that her mom is giving her. (Her mom wants her to hire a nanny for the child, while my friend and her husband have decided on day-care when she is finally ready to go back to work.)
February 1st, 2007 at 8:30 pm
I don’t live in Silicon Valley, but I run into the same problem here in the DC metro area. I just quit going to mother’s “support” groups, because they aren’t very supportive if you’re not into hyperparenting.
I find that I have better luck meeting like minded moms at local geocaching events. We already have something in common besides our kids, and the only friendly competition is over caching related stuff. Now that my son is at the right age for playdates, a few of the parents and I have plans to hit preschooler friendly caches together.
Your friend might have better luck avoiding the competitive moms and the ONToP(M!)* people if she looks for meet-ups for her hobbies instead of the mom support groups.
*One True Way of Parenting (MINE!)
February 1st, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Thank you, Caitlin! You know, I had to google “geocaching” to find out what that was, as I’d never heard of it–and it sounds like a heck of a lot of fun! (Official site is here.) Who doesn’t love finding treasures in secret hiding places?
I agree, it sounds like it’s unavoidable that when people get together in groups, they kind of all reinforce one another in sometimes unhealthy ways. It’s kind of like when I was in grad school in physics, even if you enter thinking you’d like to go into industry, you get brainwashed into the thought that academic research is the only place to be. I guess it’s human nature to get competitive about whatever we’re doing.
I wonder if they have aikido for tots, my friend has a black belt in that discipline. Maybe there’ll be a mother-child class for her to get back into shape when she’s ready go back to the mats….
February 10th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Where in Silicon Valley does she live? If she lives somewhere near Mountain View, she could hang out with my kid. I am a geek (work as software engineer) too, and both my husband and I work full-time. Both of us make it a point to spend as much time with our daughter as possible, but at least I do so in an “I’m here if you need me, but until you do, why don’t you explore by yourself a bit”.
For example, and I probably got a lot of bad looks for this - I will take my daughter to the park, put her down and let her explore, and check my home email using GoogleWifi. Same thing at the library. Update this entry if you think she might be interested, and I will send you my email address.
February 10th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Hi Shankari,
My friend lives in Sunnyvale, so that’s not too far. Sure, if you think you’d like to get in touch, then contact me at my email address–you can find it on my homepage if you click through my name, Kristin Abkemeier, on the list of contributors on the sidebar from the main page.